Sweetheart, you've always been a horrid bitch...
She sucked my dick when I had a concussion. It was the coolest feeling ever but the doctor said it was a bad idea. He's obviously gay.
thanks for the bloody nose. you probably dont remember, i'm not mad.. only because your boobs are to blame
This santa hat i wore to the bar, served it's dual purpose as a vomit bag.
Bro, the freshmen are smoking in the park again, do you need ammo for ur paintball gun?
I defriended her. I just can't support someone whose profile picture is of their water birth.
Told some chick I'm a virgin, on my way to her house as I type this. Debating crying afterwards to fuck with her head.
you were like "guys ... i think i got fingered while dancing tonight"
our poor poor cab driver
Yes she scared me. She had NIPPLE CLAMPS ATTACHED TO A STUN GUN.
Ah that wonderful moment when you realise the bookmark you were using in a book you lent your mum is actually a receipt from a strip club
Its a holy bong. We had to bless the holy bong water.
Why was I lying under a truck last night?
He took my Spanx off and still fucked me twice. I call that success.
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
New life goal: Sex in a parking lot surrounded by a circle of fire.
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