I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
My Dad named our wireless network after my dead grandma. I refuse to look up porn on my dead grandma...
just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
You know, be my cock's hype man.
The Swedes wanted a tensome.
He's having sex with his gf again. Every thump of his bed against the wall is insulting to our one night stand.
Let me start this apology by saying I'm sorry that I bit your penis.
Mystery solved: The table is broken because I had sex on it last night.
Cuz its complicated and I hate complicated and I miss your penis
My diabetic professor who apparently didn't eat anything all day keeps passing out. I gave him a joint. He's gonna be fine.
We peed together in a dark alley while holding hands. That is a bond that can never be broken.
I'm sun burnt so instead of getting drunk and trying to sleep with you, how about we get naked and you scratch my body and rub lotion on me while I rub one out?
OMG -- There are strippers in the bathroom crying because their power moves aren't good enough to win the competition
I just watched your sister pour half a bottle of cotton candy flavored snow cone syrup into a bottle of marshmallow flavored vodka, take a swig, frown, and pour a cherry coke in.
Just wait until she offers you a "powerita"
Randomize
