Oh, don't even get me started. Harry Potter is so pure. Twilight is just teenage girl porn.
This is the last time I call a hotel to see if you or some random guy paid for the room last night.
shape ups are the best shoes to wear when youre stoned. its like walking on little trampolines every step.
You kept saying thank you to the automatic toilet as it flushed your puke.
I can hear her blowing you man. All I hear is her saying 'yeah' over and over again.
Other than a hickey from some random Canadian roller derby girl, I came out unscathed
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
I didn't think about how painful the pumpkin seeds coming up the next morning would be. Oh well, I'm good at making pumpkin seeds and that's all that matters.
I'm tired of stuffing my fat into a slutty costume. Next year let's go as homeless girls. Cute ones. In leggings with camel toe.
How do I tell a friend I drunkenly broke into his house and may have lost his dog
can you just act like it's not so easy to get a blowjob from me??
Really? Uh ohh sounds like a double date with extra stripper funnnn
so hungover. I'm actually considering eating the snow off the roof so I don't have to leave my bed
This is what happens when wu tang raised you
the guy next to you kind of looks like a penguin. i'm going to fuck him
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