After we fucked, her eye wouldn't stopped twitching and she could only move her hand, which she used to put her number in my phone
did i try to light ur hair on fire with a sparkler at the club saturday?
i tried to knight her with my dick. she said it was unromantic. what an ungrateful attitude for a knight.
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
Somehow those two combined like captain planet and shit went haywire
if memory serves, the guy you were hooking up with said he was a slutty skittle.
He's carved the words "SLAM STATION" into his headboard...
My dad just bought me a 40. I consider this our peace treaty.
Not sure if you're still doing the whole "sleeping with only one person" thing but if you're not we should sleep together when I get back in town tonight.
He came to my Harry Potter marathon wearing a Hogwarts uniform. Of course I fucked him.
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
Dude you better come get your girl, she's sitting here eating a tub of pasta salad muttering to herself about gypsies.
I have experienced an excessively hairy ballsack in my mouth...and it was horrifying. I keep feeling it in my mouth now. It's like hairy ball PTSD.
You should be able to leave recommendations on Tinder.
he fucked me while wearing his "Reagan Bush '84" tank and my inner democrat has never been more disappointed
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