So when exactly did I get naked and makeout with the statue?
That's the secret to virgins: blizzards.
Its official, cigarettes are now more expensive than weed
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
We started hooking up and a group of freshmen outside my window started chanting my name. Encouraging yet distracting
I just want to let you know it was a unanimous decision that we would eat you first if we ever turned into cannibals, we figured with all the bacon you eat you may taste like it. It's a chance we are willing to take with your life...don't forget that we love you
why are our drunk alter egos so much more successful than us?
After i finished him. He goes "youre a champion"... Then whispers "forever"
No memories of receiving this. Or of getting home. Or of apparently developing a taste for marmalade, which I assume is yours because I have literally never eaten it before. It's all over the kitchen. And my phone. And in my hair. Oh god I wish I wasn't on the train to work. X And sorry about the kitchen x
You what they say. One dick in the hand is better than two in the bush
Day two of not drinking, I think my cat is trying to eat me.
Psychosis secondary to sobriety???
In other news: I massively over-caffeinated this morning. Everything is vibrating and I can SEE THROUGH TIME
i'm not so sure everythign we did last night was legal...
Should I be worried if two ants just crawled out of my purse?
Yes!
Hows your mom
Shes good, she claims she wasnt drunk
Randomize
