"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
Too long to explain. Basically I started an electircal fire. No one was hurt except for a box of cereal near the outlet.
You walked in with a firecracker and a doughnut then demonstrated what a lazy job he did fucking you
I think "I actually like giving blow jobs better" qualifies her as a keeper
Well girls crying gets you hard so you're not really a good standard to me
I found his Linkedin the day after he created it. Too stalkerish or just right?
You told me to keep you from drinking, but we both know I'm not that kind of friend.
I mean, you've seen me eat pizza, sober, out of a garbage can, and yet I refuse to go eat at that place. Just sayin....
I want the address of the individual responsible for strawbeeritas. I want to send them gift basket.
Also I've accepted I am not going to be a catch today. I look like a dead hooker and the remedial work is going to be patchy at best with the shakes I've got.
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
Did I see you at the bar last night?
Yes. You just kept grabbing my boobs and saying how much better they are than yours...
Executive decision.... we are cuddling naked
Want ramen today?
I need a salad
SALAD DOESNT WARM YOUR HEART AND BELLY
Nana added me on facebook...i think i'll have to call her and warn her about my lifestyle before i confirm her as a friend.
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