Dude, totally just found out that I've been washing my hair with semen for the past 3 weeks.
an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
This beer is not sobering me up at all
You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
yolo... Doesn't that stand for 'shut the fuck up'?
Def just hooked up with my brother's senior prom date in his bed. Does that make me the worst brother ever?
I puked in a solo cup and then offered it to him. So yeah, it was a rough night.
Trust me that one dick you don't want. It's like a whale... That's swam too many oceans...
maybe her throwing up on me was a foreshadowing of how she would later metaphorically throw up on my life
You walked in wearing nothing but a beekeeper mask
Fine line between drunken accidental sleepover with your best friend's lab partner and gay sexathon. I did a cartwheel over that line. A CARTWHEEL THAT LANDED IN HIS LAP
woke up in the back seat of my car with a naked chick and my brother tapping on the window. yup, what a night
making my breakfast out of the pot brownies we made last night. Safe to say it's time to go grocery shopping.
Also I am throwing a blaZer over what I wore to bed and calling it an outfit.
Gave her a puke bucket just in case. She filled the bottom of it with tears. Super sad. Although I am super proud she didn't puke. That was a lot of Fireball.
Randomize
