I'm sorry my penis didn't work
Your vagina is a self cleaning oven.
I'm naming my child veloci raptor. And you can be a part of its life if you want. But that's its name. Cause i have the vagina.
bottle of wine in one hand cigar in the other. 5 am. topless on our fire escape. and she cleaned our bathroom... i like his new girlfriend.
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
I'm watching him slurp a whole mango out of her hand. It's disturbingly arousing.
You were too drunk yesterday to deal with me crying so I am too drunk to deal with logic.
So im waiting for someone at grand central and i look up AND THE ENTIRE BALCONY IS FILLED WITH BOY SCOUTS I AM TERRIFIED
I yelled at the dude who smoked him up "YOU'RE THE REASON I'M NOT GETTING LAID" then went to bed. So yeah, I guess it was an ok night.
Yup he definitely fell asleep. I'm trying to bone an old man
What guy invites over a booty call, gets all naked and then when the real fun begins and a condom is needed, claims to not have one? And wears socks THE entire time?
You are the jesus of drinking
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
the next morning his mother came in to tell me that she made breakfast. she told me to put my clothes on too. awkward.
i told her we had a class about unicorns together. i'd say it was a good night
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