I just Googled "how to lose weight but still be an alcoholic."
I'm okay.. I had a good heart to heart with the cab driver Raheem - it's going to be our year.
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
So I passed out with my boxers on in the hotel jacuzzi at 5am.. The manager who kicked me out was pretty cute so I left my name and number for her at the front desk. I'm giving it a 50/50 she calls.
You should've come to the party. It was like an identity parade of everyone you screwed last year.
Also while I am being the bigger person I plan on bringing over something strong smelling and/or alcoholic to torture the poor hungover bastard
How do I tell her I need the lights out when I'm getting head because she and my mom share a perm color
Nope not happening. When I close my eyes the floor moves. I'm going to enjoy this free roller coaster.
Join us. We're on the roof drinking breakfast
I went through my entire iTunes library and made a playlist called "Feelings". I have 7.5 hours of feelings.
OUR DIABOLICAL SLUT PLAN HATH COMMENCED!
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. It doesn't matter what it's about. Last text was about a homeless dude
when you wake up naked in a bed with glowsticks, a rolled ankle, a hangover, and a condom; alone. you wonder shit
It involves me, my best friend, and a stripper and her mother.
I do very much feel like vomiting. and I have no idea where that lighter came from. thank you for coming to my TED Talk.
Randomize
