I just told my parents that Capt'n Crunch does weird things to my mouth... my dad just stared at me
i woke up, turned over, and noticed an assortment of knives stuck in my wall. i should prob stop drinking
I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
I find it ironic that im starting my birth control on mothers day.
i just found out the cashier has a picture of my junk in her phone.
I had fun watching you interact with the world around you. Like a fuckin 8 year old kid who just discovered build a bear but really wants a cigarette.
Tried to make hash outta one of those keurig machines. I don't know why. Maybe the drunkenness, but now I have mushy bud and no ganja
He offered to let her do a line of coke off his hard-on. She said she'd had that hard-on and it would be a bump, not a line. Everyone laughed. That's why he left.
So that answers the first question but not the second: how the fuck am I getting home?
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
well. can officially check "get caught having sex on the front porch by the neighbors" off the bucket list.
I'm at the nutcracker high as shit. It's so beautiful. I cried.
I successfully navigated a full, lengthy interaction with my dad in which he never asked me if I was freshly baked. 10 points.
Plus he is a pilot so I could give him flight dome
And if you haven't kicked a pigeon you haven't started your morning right
Wait, like drink with real Phil. Or Phil, the cat that sometimes lived in your closet in Myrtle Beach?
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