Without porn, I would have few hobbies.
So yesterday I was on craigslist and I saw a listing for a sofa-cum-bed. I knew what they meant...
Hey, could you leave the door unlocked? Keys seem hard right now.
Who was that guy you went home with?
Hang on, I'm trying to ask his name right now.
The Wii Fit is already telling me I'm an alcoholic.
I swear the pregnant cashier was jealous when I bought my plan B
Sometimes I wish I could open my skin and just take a little peek at my liver. You know, just to see if it's rotten yet or still perfect looking.
My absolute favorite part of last night was after I puked in the ally, we rounded the corner and you screamed, "she's ok!" and everyone cheered
Im just saying it can't be that bad if he drove himself to the er. We'll head that way when we finish playing scattergories
am i so blindsided by his great personality that i'm hooking up with an ugly guy?
i thought you knew
Yeah I went home with her... She had me take off everything but my shirt and from across the room goes, "Now dance. Just dance that dick over here"
Last night you referred to my vagina as a gym for your penis
You can't do wine Netflix and blow jobs in the bed you've had since 5th grade with your parents downstairs
Pride log, day two. Noticing more bruises and scrapes. Liver functions probably very lowered.
No I’m scared man. She sharted. In my car. Wearing a dress. And I still like her.
Wow
Randomize
