i found a beer bottle on top of the urinal, peed in it and put it back... if anyone gets drunk enough to fall for it they deserve it
And i laid in the yard with carrots on my chest cause i wanted a bunny
i think i recognize dicks better than faces
my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
it's kinda bad that we're already planning travel arrangements to his funeral
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
LOVE ME LIKE A KANGARO LOVES A POUCH YOU DUMB CUNT
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
I take Paypal, cash, sexual favors, and roasted red potatoes with garlic as payment. You choose.
Is using La Croix as a mixer for vodka a legit way to reach my daily water consumption?
Goal: finish my bio assignment before the Xanax kicks in.
CyberMonday=Bulk Condom Shopping For 2018
Dude, don't beat around the bush. We're fucked and you know it.
Where are all your bongs? Your Dad wants to make sure they're put away before his family gets here.
Umm....in my room, on my closet, under the bed and behind my laptop.
I climbed on the arm of the futon, flapping my hand fan frantically and hissing imprecations at the smoke detector
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