it wasnt like "sexy" or whatever. like...she was smiling just standing there butt ass naked
tasteful.
I'm riding in a wheelchair, being pulled by a golf cart. You need to be here.
we are out of drugs. and patience. please bring former.
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
So I come home yesterday and my brother is like "watch this" and it turns out he's been retraining my dog to come running when u say "anal"
It's after midnight. I didn't find the answer to my problem, but I did find the bottom of a bottle of vodka, so... there's that.
Shit on my own feet while puking from my hangover. Is this what 33 is supposed to be like?
I just got the most majestic image of a potato sack full of dildos getting whipped at your head in slow motion.
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
My potted cactus died. I am literally less nurturing than the desert.
My brother is so high right now he's eating frozen peas and called them "fucking delightful"
Came out of blackout state to the curtains torn down & the headboard laid on top of him. & yes he was still breathing
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
Lucky bitch I'm at work covered in Jeff pee. And my hair smells like beer because I was trying to prove a point about PBR serving multiple purposes.
cant one of your roommates drive you?
You came in my eye once. You owe me.
ill be there in 20
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