The girl I was getting head from just called my dick an anteater...I hate my parents for not cutting my cock tip off.
New thing to add to the list of never wanted to talk about with my grandma: sweating in ur crouch and vag area
Something growled at me in your dark backyard last nt. Hoping it was my landwalking laser sharks and not Andy.
This is drunk me apologizing to sober me in advance.. I am sprry about you're trashed house. Mom an dad will be home by 5 so get up and clean. P.s. Mike is in the closet passed out.
We banged through her entire lady gaga playlist. I can die happy now
Let's drink?
Just because it's bacon vodka doesn't mean it's for breakfast.
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
can anyone on this campus do anything sober?
Guess whose hungry like a hippo: this bitch.
I seriously want to say to him "Do you know how many blow jobs you could have gotten this summer?"
It only takes one line of cocaine, and you try to shotput a fucking kitchen table
I just drank beer out of an old Vicodin bottle hoping to catch some residue. That's how finals week is going
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
You peed in the sink and kept shouting "I'm the black swan! Ca-caw!"
Ignore him I am the one that wears the pants in the relationship while "the big man" cries in bed
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