Big sunglasses are the new paper bag
ya. and they're way easier to confince girls to wear during sex
Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
Her brother is deaf.
no wonder she was so good with her hands
Just so you know, a true one night stands ends with a 7 minute blow job after eating a sandwich she made for you while the taxi you called for her comes
just got in my apt...and theres jungle juice here i left from over a month ago..this could be interesting...or deadly
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
Please tell me last night did not happen and there is another reason why my phone smells like ranch sauce ahahah
Had to decide between a hook up at the train restroom or getting to work on time #growingup
Yeah we fucked. I ran into her the next day, I had to pick up the girl scout cookies I ordered from her boyfriends kids.
my mom asked if I found my Easter basket. it's 1PM & I got home an hour ago from last night. if I'm looking for anything, it's my dignity.
We are not having sex in the fucking kindergarten
This feels more like a conference of all the people I've fucked in the past year.
A drunk and bleeding peter is knocking on your door... in nothing more than a sombrero, boxers and cowboy boots.
Accidentally drunk dialed my mom last night. Started the conversation with "Where you at girl?"
Randomize
