So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
Thank you for leaving pool of vagina on my girlfriends carpet.
While she was crying about breaking up, he looked at her through his fork and said "of course she's upset, she's in jail." Having sex with him tonight.
she added me on facebook and her celebrity doppelganger is rosie odonnel. FUCK
the first sign of life we got from you was four hours later. you smiled without opening your eyes when tom whispered in your ear we were getting buffalo wings.
you two started sword fighting with 3 ft tall spruce trees you pulled out of planters
Am I the only one creeped out by the guy asleep behind our couch?
They let me keep the giant cocktail glass because I threw up in it. And made out with the bartender. Europeans are so generous. I'm getting it engraved
Yo, I can't just ask my mom where she relocated my vibrator to, can I?
I'm taking ecstasy it's gonna be that kind of Vegas trip
Dude, I'm trippin balls. For real, I thought this bag on my floor was my dog for the longest time...
No one wanted to hang out so vodka and I are hanging out
I can't even spell what he said he was on. And I had to call 4 people before someone had heard of it.
somehow I wound up on the floor crying about his beard. then telling everyone I'd give him a "lesbian blowjob".
If you find out what that means, show me.
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
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