Just saw a white stretch Hummer limo outside of CiCi's pizza. Way to live up to the stereotypes, Alabama.
He made me cum so much, I almost let him spend the night. The operative word being "almost".
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
So I totally just remembered that you tried to smoke a hornet out of it's nest.
Home safe. Psyche shattered. Still rolling. In love with the morrocan rug in the living room.
A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
We shall study the pictures later and see if his penis is worth my time.
I'm going to call you, don't answer. Need to practice moaning to your answering machine again
She had YOLO tattooed on her ass. Like, one cheek said YO, the other said LO. Even I can't handle that level of hot mess.
this one kid was speed-mumbling about putting broccoli in the printer
I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
wtf... you literally introduced yourself as "that friend who's going to fuck all your other friends."
I hope you know that means regardless of their gender.
I broke her handcuffs. I feel like an animal.
You know your life has gone downhill when someone has to preface your night with "don't get locked in a porta potty"
How is someone going to pee on the floor two days in a row? Fuck this place.
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