Sorry about teling your dad i'd have sex with him last night in front of your mom while i was drunk
i got us presents. or arrested. we shall see!
She asked me how I live with myself. I told her one night at a time.
so there is either a lot of blood or a lot of wine in the shower....
Im trying to find an appropriate gift to your mom for getting both you and your sister on birth control within a week, any suggestions?
i think she just faxed a picture of her vag from the office copy machine... i mean what kind of sexting is that... wait is that even legal???
You pretended to pelvic thrust my mother on the boat while my 92 year old grandmother looked on. Thanks.
Woman at starbucks on her computer with a garbage bag of popcorn and a bottle of lotion. Where are you coming from?!
I just dumped bong water and Bacardi out of my purse into the trash can. Everything in my purse is soaked. I hate Sundays.
Serio, who the fuck falls down coming offstage wearing nothing but pasties, a g-string, and a fake moustache, and now suddenly needs a tetanus shot. Me. That's who.
You know that feeling when you wake up and your whole body just smells like a penis?
And then she said "welcome homeeeee!!!" As she got off. Best thing about being back from Afghanistan
He spilled some of his beer on your shoulder then proceeded to lick it off. By the face you made, I don't know if you were completely horrified or really turned on.
I can't have the last guy who touched my vagina be my coworker.
The whole country is going to hell in a handbasket but I got a grade A fucking and don't particularly care.
Randomize
