I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
dude you apologized to her after she called you stupid. you were like "no i'm sorry, you shouldn't have to be around stupid people, it's my fault"
Ya I got a cut on my head from the toilet seat last time I drank there.
Listen up tinkerbell, You're gonna come to the bar, hit on some fat chicks, and step up when I punch someone in the face.
Walked into my campus store carrying a pitcher of sangria. No fucks given. Also this recipe is banging.
I got a thank you card in the mail from the virgin i slept with on the camping trip. Weird or the new classy?
With a breakfast like weed and a fun size twix before a dentist appointment you can see exactly how I handle being an adult
He walked up to anal ring toss like he was going to win you a teddy bear
She just got on the scale. frowned, got off and took off her pants and then got back on
Yeah, this is not that. This is a father and son bonding moment involving my all of my orifices.
i just realized I haven't been laid all summer. So sad. What a waste of a perfectly good vagina.
Something I never want to forget. I'm in a porta potty and she is outside knocking on the door going "You're a queen. You're a queen. Never think any different"
You peed in a public fountain and then felt bad so you put dish soap in it; 4 ft tall bubbles.
Apparently I was so drunk last night I got stuck in the revolving door at the hotel. They have suveliance vidoes of it.
I was taking this cougar home in the middle of the night I walked across the hall all naked to take a piss and ran into to some chick from highschool she said no way you are fucking my mom ran into her moms room and started yelling at her
Randomize
