respond to me or i'm telling everyone that you inserted a vodka soaked tampon into your anus
a hangover this bad deserves a feeding tube
Sacagawea was the original milf.
I swear she hasnt shaved since the last time we hooked up 5 months ago
He told me that if I were a guy he'd go gay for me. Honestly don't know how to take that.
Just did a "spirit of homecoming" bump off a stranger's credit card. A stranger that dropped us off at home. Erica's bad. How do allllll of the Eastern Europeans know how to find drugs so easily?!?
Which I'm also surprisingly fine with. If he walked into the bedroom naked, holding a fish in one hand and a lit candle in the other and said "Let's get fucking weird." I'd probably go with it. He's just that hot.
I hope our bodies realize that workaholics starts tomorrow and will be well enough to handle the hell we are going to put them through. amen.
What's it called where you go to the stripclub with two guys that have both gone down on you...
Tuesday
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
I woke up missing my shoes and my left eyebrow. MY. EYEBROW.
When a guy asks for your ig but you already know his blood type, social security number, & mother's maiden name.
in the future we should consider sippy cups so we can drink and passout accordingly
He told his wife he was too old to pretend to be straight. She tried to argue. He walked two tables over and was like this is my highschool sweetheart and he's an excellent fuck, we're running away together. It was epic.
I'm cuddly bitch. Deal with it.
Randomize
