I need to have sex with someone before he does. I need to win this break up!
Just threw up in a trash can by the ATM. Then pulled out money for weed.
Umm ok I'm kinda freaked out right now bc the chick that lives next door is either having tantric sex or slowly suffocating her dog to death.
So Ryan had to wash the dishes. His solution: take a shower with them. I'm never eating at his house again.
she screamed "my eye!" and it brought me a surge of bad memories. except she was yelling about a lemon.
i have my graded calc test (94%) sitting on my empty case of beer next to my desk. this is me winning at college.
The bartender just told me he would have me face down in his pillow by the end of the night. I hate when you make me go to gay clubs.
He was standing in the front door with a kareoke machine yelling at the neighbors as the unloaded their van
it was like a congratulatory penis slap
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
Ok spinning in the opposite direction thatg the room was spinning was the worst advice ever
Mom chose Thanksgiving to tell me the reason I am here is because she was too tired to give my dad a BJ and too drunk to make him pull out.
My feelings for him are donzo molonzo but I can't turn down a pierced penis...
WHEN THE HELL DOES ANYTHING IN OUR LIVES *EVER* GO AS PLANNED???
I left him naked in his bed. I did cover his junk with a blanket in case his roommate walked in later though. so I don't feel as bad about it.
Randomize
