bobby jindal makes me wanna cover my ears. you make me wanna smile.
You ever start fucking a girl and realize she kinda looks like your mom?
We started making out, then he decided to get naked, put on a condom, and proceed to dry hump my leg, sweat pants and all, until he blew his load. I thought this was college. I immediatly left claiming I can't sleep in other people's rooms. He didn't even bother taking off my hoodie.
Let's just say for some reason we thought it was okay to make a burrito smoothie.
her cat watched me eat her out... I would use the alternate term for both of those things but it's too weird.
Holy shit. This 2 year old just told me her nipples were for her boyfriend. Hello future leaders of america
My neighbor just watched me eat a granola bar without pants, this is a whole new level of unemployed
We wore fake mustaches and shirts that said team mustache ride to a party we weren't even invited to
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
my drivers license is super glued to my shoulder and im to hung over to get it off come and help me
You screamed at oncoming traffic , "five dollars to punch this guy in taint!".
I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
Because I'm sitting in a bath of my own wisdom and drowning my sorrows in coconut rum
Your clever response has earned you a blow job this week
Everyone is a disappointment when you lose your virginity to nine inches
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