She told me a very interesting story, complete with pantomimes, about how she got a habanero seed in her vag
so just incase I die tonight I'm making a list of people that I don't want to be let in to my funeral
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
My gynecologist just commented on how well my vagina was waxed
I am a human short and spout . Here is my jager Herr is my redbull . When i get real drink i shout out. Tip me over and pour yeager out
I'm in a bed full of sand, and also just took my contacts out. Whatever happened yesterday was great, I think.
Not that you went to little darlings at 3am. But that you checked in on Facebook. C'mon bro. You're better than that.
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
I just woke up entirely naked on top of a pile of some guy's laundry on his bedroom floor.
BING! You are now free to move about my panties. He just left for work.
This is exactly why you shouldn't bang your bartender. Although the awkward free shots are a plus.
I had a dream that my roommate walked in on me masturbating and I hissed "I'm not stopping this orgasm train for the likes of you" and just kept going
I need to calm my uterus...
My life is just a trash fire of work and Japanese video games now
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
Randomize
