The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
i have a bunch of little boys around me trying to hit on me
dont be selfish, show some boob
I just encountered the most annoying guy on the planet. I wanted to slap his milkshake out of his fat-boy hands while he was talking to me at the same time as slurping his liquid fat.
I love milkshakes.
Not the point.
Seeing a catheter being inserted into a penis severely diminished my sex life
Just because it's been in my vagina doesn't mean it's important to me
i really should have bought real food rather than condoms, olives, coleslaw and beer...
saw a man tazing a raccoon in the middle of the street last night... normal
Woke up in the front yard with a chalupa and a firecracker in my back pocket. It's what the founding fathers would want
congratulations to me i think I am on the road to legitimate alcoholism
cool. same. I'm in class drinking
NOT OKAY
sorry for partying
THATS NOT PARTYING THATS DRINKING IN CLASS
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
I woke up with his condom in my mouth. I actually use them now you should be proud of me.
I was told that I need a reference for my blow job skills. Be expecting a phone call tomorrow.
i'm in a very strange mood rn i'm listening to bruno mars??? am i ok????
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
I'm too picky for internet dating and by picky I mean psycho.
Randomize
