My whole home page is your drunken face booking, congrats.
So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
Hey I never found my wallet but i did find a bag of 14 soft taco supremes
I have your wallet. Trade you for the tacos.
For future reference, Twizzlers CAN leave welts.
I'm about one sudden movement away from being able to cross "throw up in a fortune 100 company's bathroom" off my bucket list.
Our fuck buddy relationship took a turn for the worst after we were drunk and I punched him in the face when he asked for a three some with my best friend.
Nothing like playing hide and seek with a state patrol officer early in the morning to get your heart rate up.
Got too starbucks. 3out of the 4 girls working i have ducked and haven't ever called. My coffee has dick written on it. It may contain spit by pumpkin lattes are only once a year
He must've been a bear in a previous life. My nipple is bleeding. Shit's sensitive.
you made cordon bleu at 4am and declared you were Marshall Stewart
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
Even with help how did you paint a bullseye around your asshole?
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
I’m at that point in my trip where I’m kinda hot, kinda cold and I have to remember to breathe.
someone found a bottle of whiskey in the bushes this morning when they were cleaning before an admissions event. i'm 95% sure it's mine..
Randomize
