After we finished he asked if I knew if it was a boy or girl. Diet. Starts. Now.
This kind of poor decision making requires a real cup, not a mason jar.
This is a mass text: my birthday is tomorrow, and I want a full day of birthday sex. Send me your availabities. Time slots begin at noon
Recording ancient aliens and the third Reich. Stoned you will thank me later.
I want to hump her dimples until her face caves in.
So many issues. You honestly need help.
You installed a beer holder in the shower?! You're the best roommate ever!
... That's a shower caddy.
I believe this is a toe-mate-toe vs. toe-maut-toe situation.
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
I have a cracked rib, no way in hell I'm bottoming for him tonight!
Rule #61 of being a lady: never get fingered by a finger with a knuckle tattoo
I walked into Anna's room this morning and she was like teary eyed, with pizza sauce all over the place
I'll take "things you shouldn't say to a guy you just met in a bar" for 100!
I had forgotten what new underwear feels like. It's as if angels descended from heaven for the sole purpose of supporting my junk.
He just said "I can't wait to penetrate you tomorrow" I sat in silence for a second...he attempted to save it by saying "I can't wait to enter you".
Just calm down. My foot long super joint and I will be over shortly.
Greetings from Florida; the armpit of the US, where my 240something lb brother nearly got carried away by some aggressive woodland mosquitoes. I was only spared because they could probably sense I was currently semi-disassociating and would not feel the suffering their presence wrought.
Anyway, how was your day?
Randomize
