I wish I could drop acid with the muppets
Just took a closer look at the paper that kid wrote me his number on. It was an ATM receipt. His balance is $17.89. i made the right choice.
I just asked the contractor building my house what it would cost to put a garbage disposal in all the shower drains...there was a lot of judging going on.
I may have just serenaded the sadface couple sitting on a bench outside the dorm by singing Bye Bye Bye.
I don't think she considers it a date unless she publicly urinates
I'm proud of you, you were pretty classy last night, you didn't puke AND you didn't take off your shirt, except for those two times in the corner.
My sister was borrowing my phone when the sext came through. She just said "wow. He's got a nice dick!" Then went on like nothing happened. Outed by a dick pic and its no big deal. Best sister ever.
If it wasn't for the fact that I drink during my lunch break I'm pretty sure I would have quit this job by now
I'm eating a subway sandwich in the bathtub because I don't want to move. God bless boys from Brooklyn
I just googled "can they trace a vibrator back to you" so that' s how my life it going.
Mom told me you snuck booze into a concert in a cheez its box...I have never been prouder to be related to you
He's hot....knda sweaty, drunk smells like feet....but he's hung like a whale....so in other words totally your type
Well I'm sorry I assumed you were a human and that humans have the capability to forget sometimes.
In a few weeks I'll be a beautiful butterfly and me and my cat will have to repopulate the earth. WE WILL REBUILD!!
I'm declaring this weekend Captain Morgan weekend
You declare every weekend Captain Morgan weekend...
You just don't understand... :'(
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