i am NOT doing that with my feet, or any part of my body
I was like, "um, that's my butthole."
duuuude. vodka popsicles DO NOT function.
is it bad that upon arriving to my fourth sex toy party the sex toy lady instantly recognizes me?
It's amazing how much better one feels once you put something in your vagina.
literally. a puddle of blood. on the floor. still searching for the source
just fucked two guys in less than 12 hours. i miss this part of being single.
and by single i mean slutty
The sex was so good I went temporarily numb. Slightly embarrassing when she pointed out I was kissing my own arm.
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
God I love incriminating evidence...wonder what the statue of limitations is on shitting on someones driveway
4 people stoned, 3 boys I've slept with, 2 I gave chlamydia, and a partridge in a pear treeeeee
How festive
You chugged 6 beers in a row and then outed your boss at a party last night.
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
I think he is using me to sort through his relationship issues, past and present. I did not sign up for this. All I want is booty. Am I the dude in this relationship?
I just had a legitimate orgy. Wearing glowsticks.
Randomize
