Goddamnit I hate your level headedness
I can mark tailgating, going to the game and getting road head off my to do list today
Three questions. How does a tomato drive a car, how does an asparagus play a guitar, and how am I still so high that I chose to watch Veggie Tales?
My sister came home, pulled two nalgene bottles of jaeger-bomb out of the fridge, changed out her 3 inch heels for 6 inch heels and left in under 3 minutes. I've never been more proud of her.
Nothing bad can happen when you have a kiwi flavored condom. Absolutely nothing.
That was like a fiery explosion of flailing arms and wonderful passion
I masturbated to my balding thirty-something co-worker last night. I am a new level of lonely.
True love: he brought me a margarita while was in the shower. He's a keeper.
We were supposed to hurry because the restaurant closed at 9. I ended up giving him a blow job so we had to eat at Arby's instead.
Wanna get mid day margaritas tomorrow if I'm still alive
And, omg, my eyelids are on fire. I think the internet let me down. :(
I admit it could have gone better but look at it this way, since I broke the urn you don't have to worry about spreading the ashes.
If my life today were a movie the subtitle would be: Revenge of the Beer Shits
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
After everything I’ve done… had sex with people off tinder, gone to clubs and bars, gone to hockey games…. I get Covid at GRANDMAS HOUSE
Randomize
