I heard you threw up in your lap?
I heard that too.
For the amount I put out, I should be going on way more dates.
It was like some kind of slut recycling operation. She gave me the shirt of the last guy she slept with in exchabge for mine so I didn't have to wear the same thing to work. She's been doing it for years
dude. this chick is staring at me like i gave her brother herpes.
I just told him he had gained a new brother. He immediately knew I meant the eskimo kind.
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
Don't mind me. My boyfriend is carrying me because I'm broken not because I'm drunk.
It's not even 9:30 yet..
It looks like I murdered a care bear and put its blood in my hair to warn the others off.
I didn't know. I guess I really haven't had that much time for drinking lately. I mean, outside drinking at home/work.
You know you're a heffer when you discover chocolate frosting on your smoking apparatus
There it is. Caramel-coated dick. Someone is getting a yeast infection later.
Then, he ate me out while I watched Bo Burnham. Best. Night. Ever.
I butt dialed her mom while cheating on her. Needless to say Christmas will be awkward.
Hey do you remember me?
You were a giant banana.... how could I forget.
Where'd you go?
Laundry, im. A responsible drunk
Randomize
