Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
No, i'm not gonna let you give me a footjob on the floor of the cheesecake factory. C'mon.
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
After the VIP Latina experience at the strip club last night, I am rooting for Mexico in this years World Cup.
Apparently senior citizens don't like that position
Apparently she ran into the Emergency Room declaring "ROOM, PLEASE" as if she were checking herself into Holiday Inn.
I want to wear something that says I'm a lady (but I have condoms!)
Dude, she sent me a nude of her posing in the mirror and her dad was in the reflection
I paid your brother in tostitos to drive me home.
All's fair in love and war. and tinder.
dude, my hangover is telling me there was tequila involved
Just give me 5 advils and some sunglasses and I'll knock out on this couch no problem.
just woke up on the floor of my shower...it was still runnning
Bring me pizza. I'll trade you your underwear you left here for 2 slices.
I can't believe just smoked out of a pear
I can't believe you had a pear already made to smoke out of, that was impressive
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