fuck, i never want to drink again I drunk dialed matt last night and broke up with him the second night in a row. FUCK QUADFEST
omg... punch me in the throat... I am about to lose my mind with my parents.. I'm not saying I agree with the menendez brothers.. but I understand
Good seeing you too. Don't worry, you didn't miss out on too much last night. We went to a place where there was supposed to be a wet t-shirt contest, but it was more like two ugly girls dancing around on stage in white shirts. Everyone just wanted them to leave so the band could keep playing
It had been so long since my last time that it was easily a double helping of stomach pancakes. I think she was mildly impressed.
my bedside table was not meant to hold this many beer bottles.
So you threw a sword at me last night
I honestly wish I could say that I was surprised.
it's my sixth sense. If there's an orgy within 20 miles of me i'll know about if. Or be a part of it.
luckily my workout playlist doubles as a masturbation playlist.
Btw sorry for throwing that bag of ice at your face lastnight....
Waking up at a teachers house is a very confusing thing
Sorry I got completely naked in your bed, but I feel our friendship has grown because of it.
I'm pretty sure the Jahovah's witness only came to our door because the front says "Twerk Or Treat"
FINALLY GOT MY TENTH DICK. PARTY FOREVER
Every time we have sex, I feel his dick ramming my soul into submission. Problem is..... I LIKE THAT SHIT!
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
Randomize
