eating toast while peeing. You think this what kanye meant by the good life?
i made it my goal to pee in the sink of every apartment we went to last night. i didnt use the toilet once
I do remember getting hit in the face by an ugly one because she thought I was blowing on her butthole.
Went to the elf storage building to help him get his old dresser. Found his brother's stash in the drawer and ended up passed out w him on the mattress in there instead.
What should I say back?
Well, how do you want the conversation to go?
Straight into my pants.
Hey, so, you were my "one phone call" last night... Thanks for not picking up. See, this is why I never call you.
Though the booty shorts might give me an extra discount. Or arrested. We'll see.
Now when you said you'd never sleep with me, did you really mean never on a Monday or never without handcuffs or a blindfold or never on a airplane or never without lots of booze? Cus never is a pretty strong word.
He tried to introduce me to one of his friends that kept looking at me and I said "OH NO! I can't do this shit anymore!!" It was like I had a vision of what drunk me would've done in about 20 minutes.
I dont have to work tomorrow im yelling gibberish at squirrels
So I woke up really sad and then I looked in the cabinet and there was weed and now I'm not sad anymore
Thanks. It's every girl's dream, right? To blow a bald marketing consultant 12 years her senior?
Welp. It's confirmed. There is literally no lube on this entire island. Fuck me. More accurately, don't fuck me.
I puked on someone's floor last night and then they proceeded to ask me on a date.
My boob job is like a master key that gets me in any door, any party and anyone’s pants! They’re magical!
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