at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
i was calling myself "cat the lion" and tried eating the computer mouse because i thought it was "my prey"
a small fire erupted but we put it out with a can of beer so everything's fine
I've never played a more sexually-tense game of Uno in my life.
I hope no one at work will be able to read the "who wants body shots" on my chest. I forgot about it.
I've figured out why I love winter sex. Because I make them leave the beanie on, and we all know I love a man in a beanie.
You should come by for the fire station blow job tour
If making out with three guys at once at a Kesha concert while simultaneously smearing glitter all over yourself doesn't convince her you're gay, nothing will
She found my old SD card with stuff I "didn't keep" or "didn't record us doing".... She's pissed but really horny. Did I just win at sex?
Just remembered I railed lines while holding a puppy
I need to stop acting like a drunk bitch. People are going to get the right idea about me...
She told me she was the Publishers Clearing House of Dicks. Two dicks a day, everyday for life.
I have no idea what to do with myself since we graduated.
I've just been napping and sexting all day.
So... Sex in my rain boots last night. Trashy or a great show of character?
If it was with a guy, trashy. Sex with a girl is never trashy.
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
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