Flirting with the rich sleazy owner of the club: 1 way ticket to free sushi, drinks, and VIP passes. FUck! im better with older men than i am with babies and dogs
Did you dl zombie porn on my computer?
Watching a deaf couple have an argument in the mall. Can't bring myself to look away.
We just licked a sour creme and onion chip for salt for a tequila shot. Our vacation has officially begun.
youre just mad i got the high score on the breathalyzer
I don't think he knows what shame means anymore. He gave some bar slut his sisters Tiffanys necklace, in exchange for anal.
Do what your heart wants. . .
My heart wants to rip his balls off and tie therm to his head using his penis
The maintenance guy asked for a box to stand on to reach the ceiling. All I could offer him was a keg.
The real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch Buck Rodgers on Tuesday.
I went to Walmart last night to buy some CDs--which is a sentence I never thought I'd say in 2016.
I thought I was really making her scream. Turns out she had a Lego jammed in her lower back.
You'd think it'd be fun living next door to a guy whose neck you once licked. Surprise, it's not.
i love you and all, but can that be the last orgy with your wife?
sarah's view on last night: a threesome to make things less awkward. oh, well done.
whole 5th of capt = waking up in the shower after 2 hours and the whole house asking why i'm STILL in a towel. and me having nothing to say
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