that's when I learned why R Kelly peed on that bitch
The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
I am not deleting the internet history anymore, now I am going for shock value.
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
I have bruises on the inside of my thighs from sliding down the stair case...thanks for encouraging that slut show
I was just crying my tits off and he was just sitting there listening. I was an open book of embarrassing life stories.
Wine is not your friend.
I got laughed at by a homeless guy in a Daniel Boone hat. I have no clue what this means for my day
i'm exhausted. do you know how hard it is to put together an outfit that is professional enough to secure a babysitting job yet slutty enough to let him know i'm down for sex during naptime?
Just walked into the bar to find a guy in a Boba Fett helmet leaning casually against the wall, texting. This night just got real.
If your mother gets up on the bar again, I will. The bouncer already had a talk with her earlier.
He ate me out while Space Jam was on. My life is complete.
All I'm saying is that if he knows his wife walks around naked during the day, he shouldn't bring a friend home for lunch and show up unannounced.
He told me he was gonna go wash a trailer and somehow I ended up eating vodka fruit with children in a green bean field.
Right in the middle of our simultaneous orgasms, he shouted "HAPPY NEW YEAR" ruining the intimacy
I was just seen throwin up on the bookstore building near a trashcan by parents. Naturally I throw a thumbs up and say go college
Randomize
