I got raped by $2 you call it's. I'm still hammered. And mentoring high school kids. My life is a joke.
Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
I just googled "buy xanax online". What is wrong with my life?
Just joined the godiva rewards club. Who's the fat friend now.
Just called my mom. She definitely saw all those fb statuses so thanks for that.
Haha did she know what fisting meant?
Yeah. Which is upsetting in itself
and you will have a crown and it will be made of penises and all will bow before you and your glorious penis crown
No, absolutely not. If you see that cunt, throw confetti or eggs at her.
That's a pretty extreme jump from confetti to eggs
we shared soup. that is literally the extent of my romantic life right now
Is it malicious or apart of the healing process if I wipe my ass with his toothbrush?
Thought I was doing makeup today for a photo shoot for a short film. WRONG. Try I'm on the set for a Fucking Sci-Fi PORN.
Can i have the words "she went crazy and never came back" written on my grave?
You drink too much. You cuss too much. You have questionable morals. You're everything I've ever wanted in a friend.
Any man who can do squats while fucking you is a man worth keeping.
I just found (and ate) a chunk of a reese's that fell between my boobs. Problem is that I finished those off 3 days ago in a drunk induced sob session... Has it really been that long since I changed my clothes?!
It was a blast. I was going to say that throwing up in the airport bathroom wasn't classy, but it's classier than quietly puking into a fast food cup while in your seat during takeoff...
Randomize
