I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
I saved $70 from being to drunk to go out last night so I figured I could buy a new watch.
we all know badassery is carried on the XX chromosome
She gives pretty bad head, but when it's in her dad's Lexus SUV it's tough to complain.
I'd like to introduce you to my friend, Moderation. Enjoy each other's company this weekend.
Your friend and I already don't get along
We found her. She's owling on the sink in the bathroom.
I just woke up in my ex-boyfriends bed, with my new boyfriends jersey on. I love March maddness.
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
Stop trying to get a gf and raw dog some forest beasts like sasquatch
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
This morning was so rough I can't even. I was cutting up vegetables for my omelet on the floor. THE FLOOR. I sat on the floor because I felt like I was gonna vom.
I haven't been dieting for my entire life to date some guy who thinks his dad bod is a riot.
Road head absolutely translates. That's the beauty of road head... It's so portable!
I just gave a fucking twenty minute blowiob.. I'm a GOOD girlfriend.
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