ill give you a foot job if you come over before 4
Dude, she had a vegina. I felt like Indiana Jones cutting a path through the jungle.
I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
Omg i either met the gayest dude ever or my next boyfriend
i dont care if it was her birthday. if she leaves me with a half rack of budweiser and her boyfriend obviously shits gonna go down.
Screw it. I'll show up in a white dress with a sign that says " I fucked the groom and it wasn't that great."
there were staples in my comforter. what kind of sex did we even have?
The cute guy in my class hurt himself and is on crutches. My first thought was "Good. He'll be easier to take down." Like he's a gazelle and I'm a dick tiger. What's wrong with me?
Asking the homeless man what buss shelter is the warmest was not a good idea
Halfway through she said I was exactly like she imagined. So many things have been stroked this night.
If I showed up at your door with pizza and a bottle of tequila wearing nothing but chaps and a fireman helmet, would you send me away?
There is a video recording of my birth. I have seen it. It is terrifying.
I don't just want drugs. I deserve drugs.
The frequency with which I change my vibrator batteries is getting a little ridiculous....
Dude I just woke up naked on the floor with my dick in a boot. Legit in a fucking boot. I also have no idea where I am.
Randomize
