I just saw grafitti that read "Mug The Fart Eater". Really, Memphis? That's all you've got?
woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
His fingers had 12 years of piano lessons behind them. my ex has been put to shame by a finger
This dude is being a total douche
Just because it's Christmas Eve does not mean the liquor store has to give you a free bottle of peppermint schnapps
I asked for a dramatic "funeral" look for my makeup. They judged me.
Drunk. The frashmen love me. Give them. Toilrt paper. And shiots
He used the phrase "no problemo" in a sext. It's over.
I believe I won the Golden Vodka Bottle of sadness last night for crying while being party boyed.
I had sex for the second time today and ate an entire bag of alligator jerky on the way home. These truly are the golden years.
When you get home...find me in the shower. Only safe place at the moment.
He played with my boobs the whole time we watched Scott Pilgrim and then started invited others to play with them too. It reminded me of how my mom gives out my french fries without asking.
Can I just skip the lesson I have planned for tomorrow and just teach my students about Prohibition using my impending hangover?
This is why american education is failing
He says I vaguely mumbled happy New year, kissed him, threw up and then went back to sleep.
You carved your initals into all my vitamins and said "now a small part of me will be in you every morning" before you fell asleep with my thong on your head.
Just woke up to the cat unconscious on my stomach, his face between my tits, purring to bring down the walls. I'm endeared and horrified at the same time.
Randomize
