I just saw what sperm look like swimming around. I'm not happy with what you've put in my stomach.
she showed up with nothing but olive garden breadsticks in her purse.
still in the ER. she tried to shotgun a bottle of corona
It's all sex hats and vagina bandages with you isn't it?
Send me the picture of my mugshot, my boss got arrested last night and I'm trying to make her feel better.
2nd fun fact: he has a square tan line around his dick.
The perfect world is just rainbows and rocknroll and good sex. With the occasional stripper ridIng a horse. I spelled occasionally right?
Bad things happen to those who bang their lab partner at the beginning of the semester.
I feel that it is my duty to the human race to invent a colon squeegy
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
All I have done at work today is eat and try to get my coworker to tie me to his bed again
I swear to God, if you have sex in my bed one more time you're gonna start paying rent
I distinctly remember telling him "I'll suck your dick while you eat pizza"
Our friendship just got weirder. He snapchated me the porn he was watching.
holy shit! you were walking down a hill and just happened to be passing a trash can like 4 ft away and projectile vomited over a fence into the trash can. kept walking and drank a beer.
Randomize
