Don't come here someone got drunk and rolled the keg to buger king. no more beeer
i'm not a human right now. not even a dancer.
apparently breaking a beer bottle and then throwing up in a urinal is a terrible way to pick up girls.
I think he may have overheard our "how much coke would you fuck me for" conversation last night...
The freshman sure do fuck up the whataburger line at 2am
She ate the cookie then went to the emergency room. Now her fam is pressing charges. Don't people understand you DON'T steal baked goods from potheads??
It feels like my uterus is trying to crawl out of my ass wearing cleats. And yourself?
Oh, AND I met a ukulele teacher that I'd date. So there's that.
I can't promise that. They just put an extra shot in my margarita.
I think it's gonna be hard to find a guy that won't take my consistent drinking as alcoholism
We also had a full on debate about how realistic and useful teleportation and time travel would be...and only used Twilight Zone episodes as "scientific evidence"
For not really liking Christmas, I have an astounding amount of holiday-themed lingerie
I was going to learn how to knit but I got high instead.
I'm still waiting for God to smite you for impersonating a decent human being.
so i find a box of condoms inside my car with turn by turn directions to her bedroom... kinda freaked out cause she got my address and somehow inside my car
Randomize
