god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
Do u think I can claim pregnancy as an accident so my insurance covers it?
I think, one-on-one, Paul Rudd could be very threatening in like a REALLY good way.
His shirt was in the kitchen sink this morning, I'm pretty sure my roommates know.
we're doing beer bongs from the windmill...epic
please dont ever try to drink horizontally again. I thought I was going to have to give you cpr
You were telling the cab driver that you believe in him and just to follow his dreams
He always tells me he misses my clit. I feel like I should make a drinking game out of it
Our relationship needs a sober moment
I'll call you when that happens
He said that he doesn't like skittles. This relationship is over an it hasn't even started yet.
He tried to make small talk to hide the fact that he was struggling to unhook my bra... at least he tried right?
So I just realized I have three bananas, seven condoms, three lube packets, three tampons, and a shot glass in my bag but no pen #modelstudent
there is something very satisfying about getting tacos after hours of sex.
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
I'm sorry for getting drunk and throwing a robo-bird at you.
Randomize
