I couldn't remember if it was hamsters or Iraq that you hated. I'm so sorry.
Just walk through the Honors dorm on a Saturday night. You'll feel better about yourself.
So, how do I go about conveying: I'm sorry, yet very glad she is having my abortion. Via text msg?
This will be amazing. Plus he's going to do a line of cocaine off of the other guy's ass.
I think I'm going to postpone my photo shoot until my Gpa dies. I don't want to be in lingerie and stripper heels when I finally get the call
He explained how that handle got into our fridge. I think i'm going to stick with my original assumption that the vodka gods want me to drink more vodka.
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
had a dream that i inhaled my pet bird and started choking. Then I tried smoking from a bong and suddenly I smoked myself inside out. this is what happens when I don't smoke weed. my brain can't function!
I'm going to be drunk and braless all weekend. Let the festivities begin!
It's a good thing you're straight. You'd make a horrible lesbian.
The bar tender had his entire hand down your asscrack.
I forgot about that. I was in MULTIPLE dimensions.
I got caught throwing up in my daughters princess potty... On the bright side it played a rewarding tune afterwards.
Two questions: Did you enjoy your birthday present and how did i wake up with glitter all over my dick?
Randomize
