I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
My dad just yelled at me for going to youth group with out telling him. Apparently going out to fuck a girl without telling him gets me a high 5, going to youth group gets me grounded.
The project manager just came into talk to me for the first time and I had justed googled best drum solo ever and couldn't X out of the screen.
Speaking of school, I've done the math and I get laid about 10 times more often than I did before I got my law degree. $100,000 well spent.
i don't remember but I assumed it was bad when I woke up with directions from his house to mine already pulled up on my phone
Company party. Just told vp "you look like a cat person"
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
Drunkenly bought a $240 realtor course last night. Apparently even drunk me thinks my future is going nowhere
I feel strange, like something is off with my body
Yeah that's called sobering up, we've been drunk for the past 4 days
That's the last time I send a mass text invitation to smoke a blunt
Is it wrong i wouldn't sleep with him because his boxers said #1 dad all over them?
When you make me feel sane and well-adjusted, it is time to reevaluate your night out habits. Just sayin'.
Everybody posting sickening holiday couple pics and I'm over here deepthroating a bottle of whiskey.
A young (I'm going to guess late middle school age) kid shouted at me from the crosswalk GAS PUMP OF SHAME! I have peaked in life.
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
Randomize
