if it walks like a guido and talks like a guido, i'm gonna fuck it.
there was some random girl that nobody really knew, standing in the corner trying to shave her armpits with a plastic butter knife.
Dude I think my special talent is falling in drunkenly falling in front of a cop and getting away. This is the second time.
Seriously. My vagina. Can we talk about it? It's gonna jump off this treadmill and devour my trainer.
Who was the person who brought the rooster when they won @ beer pong
I like the wholesome side of you
I'm so goddamned horny I could use all my pent up energy to tear a redwood out by its roots.
she texted me 'with freud,' which i thought was drunk for 'i'm with my friend.' but nope, she was actually on a statue of the psychologist sigmund freud.
I'm going to start charging you rent if you keep leaving your random conquests on my living room couch the morning after
Okay, new plan. Get drunk, eat breadsticks. It's going to be great.
Just bought a gingerbread house kit and pregnancy tests. Happy holidays.
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
Sexy intern needs to have caveman sex with me
Just laying in bed, snuggling my cat, and pondering whether I'd like to attend a swingers party this evening...
Please don't think I'm weird for texting you this at 12:08 am but I just found another picture on the Internet where I think you can see his dick through whatever he's wearing
Also I just had a pointless meeting and the only thing I accomplished were my kegals
Randomize
