he has 3 profile pictures up and all of them are him riding jet skis
heey were did you guys go? last time i remember seeing you i was throwing up in the fountain
so its official, girls can see a boner through my snuggie.
Apparently she got a minor consumption for using vodka soak tapmons
Does that work!! Please say yes
he drunk texted me to give me his number with the message "i gotchu pretty eyeso" i can't tell if he's complimenting me or himself.
I have a pocket in my purse that is just for condoms and cocktail swords. I feel like that speaks volumes about me as a person
How did she break his doorknob?
That was our fault. We put a chair under the doorknob so that she wouldn't wander out of his room in the middle of the night and jump into bed with her ex. But she's stronger than we thought.
I'm dressed like a deranged cupcake. Let's get fucked up.
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
Hey will pizza rolls help if you accidentally get a diabetic chihuahua drunk?
fuck that its my house. if i want to take 1 bite out of the chicken & leave the rest i fucking will. suck my dick
Nothing can teach you regret more efficiently than a wine hangover.
Who would you rather hang with tonight, drunk me or high me?
I'm the catering manager, it's not my job to stop 2 teenagers from fucking in the bathroom. I couldn't bring myself to stop that sort of young romance anyway, that's what I pay you people for
the fact you finally accept your bi don't shock me but as your fuck buddy I expect you girls to go family style on me
Randomize
