I told her it just looked small because my balls were gigantic. She bought it.
what do you mean I googled how to give an awesome blow job?
Black Friday shoppers are ridiculous. I think I just watched a marriage end.
There's a difference between southern and inbred. She just doesn't know that yet.
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
It's a sign that no dudes december is about to start: I have a yeast infection.
She sent me a map and directions for a booty call. In a park. Give me reason not to marry her.
"Friendship bread", "how to get period stains out of cement", and "elephant bereavement" are all in my recent google history. Whatever shit that was last night really did me in...
Today's goal is to get out of bed, before I take a shit. This might be hard
Pass or fail tho
I was so high the sounds of a cricket drove me out of my home at 4am.... Boo that fucking cricket
A dry HJ only, please. I don't deserve the comforts of lube after my horrendous fantasy football performance
Wow I got tittyfucked by the American Dream
When i said you could use my car and have sex in the back....i wasn't being serious.
He wanted to take me to breakfast in the morning. He told me he respects me after I said no. I told him to respect me at a distance.
Randomize
