literally followed a trail of condoms to the bus stop this morning. Ahh modern-day bread crumbs
Give me a heads up the next time you BBM me a voicenote of you cumming so I'll make sure not to play it while in the car with my parents. Miss you too.
She had a little wicker basket of condoms by her bed. Disturbing yet convenient.
They told me I stole 50 buns and a bottle of mayo and would whisper in their ears to look under my shirt to see what was for breakfast... benefit of starting to drink at 9 am
i will see naked twins by the end of the night. that's all i know
I gained confidence after I found out she was a lesbian. At least that way I could flirt with her and convince her to buy me taco bell after the bar
So idk if it's because I'm working out again or the coke, but I hit my target weight today. Whaaaat uuuup. Come and get me thanksgiving.
Also, you tried to make me learn all of the presidents, in order, with a picture book as an aid. At 4 am. What the fuck?
New drunken fun fact of last night, after I pushed Sarah and before I started making out with guy #1, I shouted that I'd go to third base on a first date, then threw myself at him
I'm turning twenty & the only honorable way to exit my teens is by slapping the fuck outta the bag. You better be in.
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
Please let me buy the coffee, all my assets are in starbucks gift cards
Why is there a traffic cone in the shower? And did you wash it with my body wash? It smells nice.
I know I've become a responsible adult because this time, I'm not going to do the drugs I found on the ground
so on the street and some kid is chanting "cheeseburger, cheeseburger, cheeseburger!" while pumping his fist in the air. i agree.
Randomize
