I assume you are not resopnding because you are having sex thus i give you a text message high five
I'm so hungover, I actually considered rolling down the stairs to avoid walking.
We pay for beer, you give birth. It's how the world works.
This girl in the gym has an amazing body...too bad there's no workout routine for a face.
So many lesbians keep hitting on me. I'm about to give up and just go home with the manliest one.
He paid me to blow him while doing a handstand. Does that make me a whore or just a budding gymnast?
Food lion is just a portal. Cheetos are the goal. Its like not banging a super hot chick cause she is french. She still has the same parts just from a different box.
Now I am going to fly my toy helicopter in the dark.
Bro, he broke his neck diving into a kiddy pool.
I wish men found my impeccable aim when spitting into the sink attractive.
Eating pizza and drinking wine while I watch the Victoria's Secret Fashion Show. The wine is for reducing the pain of falling asleep with more insecurities than what I woke up with.
The only things in my fridge are almond milk, Smirnoff Ice and chicken noodle soup. I'd say I've done mama proud.
I need a nap, Harry Potter movies, and dick in this exact order after work.
Only you would get a side of potential vagina with your sandwich
He smoked and I was tired so left before we did anything. I literally left him high and dry.
Also: that bruise on my leg where you left like 3 sets of teeth marks keeps getting run into the corners of desks and shit. And I can't even complain to anyone at work
Randomize
