I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
So...AT&T finally added picture messaging for iPhone...bring on the tits!!!
I seriously need to stop naming my lingerie sets after the boys I wear them for. I seriously just asked mom if she put Brett in the dryer
Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
It was either a cute kinda butch tomgirl or a really fem guy. Either way, I made out with it. Bisexuality, my best friend.
Oh wow. Was walking and just saw her in the pool, fully clothed, ranting on an alligator float. I guess i should go get her before security gets here.
Are you stuck outside of your house because you forgot to walk up stairs? Cuz I've been there.
And anyway at least being paid in opium makes a cool story
Came home from this girls horse at 6am to find a guy lighting off roman candles in front of my door. Best walk of fame I've ever had.
My doctor said I can only have one drink at a time, ever, from now on. My life has officially started its decline.
I try not to flex my sex appeal too much around the engineers, it's like feeding bears...always ends in disaster.
I'm still not 100% sure who I'm sleeping with
I should probably eat a Plan B. Pill for breakfast. Happy Halloween.
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
He fucked me so hard my contacts fell out! Didnt know that was possible.
Randomize
