I told her it just looked small because my balls were gigantic. She bought it.
capris are just wrong
its like "what can i possible wear to make myself look short and fat? Oh I know!!"
you know how you have to have just the right ratio of chips to sandwich? same goes for pubes.
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
Are you seriously gonna shit with that life vest on?
Shotgunned a beer while taking a bath.
Thanks to this cookie, I have now eaten something other than skittles today.
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
Im in his room watching him sleep. Im going to try and jerk off and not get caught by the nurse.
MASS TEXT: who ever dared Todd to suck on the Clorox wipes last night.. good goin jackass. you can come visit him, hes in room 266, AFTER hes done getting his stomach pumped.
HE DARED ME TO DARE HIM... DONT PUT THAT ON ME.
Just puke n rally. People can't judge, it's syllabus week.
Just so you know, if I get bored tomorrow I WILL pretend to get drunk in the bathroom and crash the whole thing
also somebody did cough syrup and i was really worried but i couldn’t express why properly so i was like MACKLEMORE SAYS NO
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
Last night we proved the theory that "harder" is the worst rough sex safe-word ever.
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