Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
She might as well just lie down with one of those red "Easy Buttons" next to her
waiting in line for my ID. the kid in front of me reaks of hopes and dreams and hornyness-- freshmen by calvin klein
I convinced her san diego was a state. all the proof I needed was saying, why do they call it san diego state university?
dude we were making out and she kept singing the americas next top model song. you wanna be on top?
My gynecologist inadvertently complimented your penis.
Would it be safe to assume you're the one that left my front door wide open and left yourself a trail of jaeger drops to find your way back?
yeah i didn't know anyone, but i just walked in with a lit sparkler and wearing a budweiser shirt and someone handed me a beer.
after that, he'll be sure to remember me. i'll probably forget him, but that's the way it should be.
Just saw you in traffic. You may have noticed me, I was the corpse driving the white car.
Back of his car in the Starbucks parking lot WITH HIS APRON STILL ON. Check and Mate.
Holy shit. You won barista bingo AND the Triple Crown in one day.
5% want to drink juice and feel better, 95% just want to touch your butt
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
I never thought I could be this turned on by a man wearing racoon tails.
I am playing in the snow in my bunny outfit. GET OVER HERE
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