My dad hugged me and said I love u. I'm glad I didn't pull out that night.
dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
can you come get me at the bar
ill be there in 10 min
can we stop off at build a bear on the way home
My 10 year old son gave me a bottle of jameson for fathers day. Did you have something to do with this?
Got him to take a shot from the drip pan on the George Forman. He's gone now.
Be there soon... with munchies, blow jobs and shoulder rubs.
Found out it was only pneumonia. We celebrated hydrocodone cough syrup. Two long island ice teas at lunch and the random white powder we found in her purse. Mother of the year award.
There was a reason God said "Let there be titties" on the Fifth Day.
you were afraid hed set himself on fire so you dumped a box of baking soda on him
He broke into my house just to tell me the door was locked.
Your exhaustion is probably due to your rampant sexual urges and the fact that you live the same life as a raccoon.
What guy invites over a booty call, gets all naked and then when the real fun begins and a condom is needed, claims to not have one? And wears socks THE entire time?
Is there some sort of line being crossed when your shower activities start to involve jimmy johns?
So it's official...my sex life has improved since Pokemon came out...
I’ve cut back on drinking and now my body can’t fight off all the bad germs without the alcohol. That’s why I keep getting sick
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