Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
Do you think flip cup during wine tasting is a bad idea? They're perfect flipping cups...
maybe i'll make good life choices and keep my legs closed. periodically txt me friday and saturday night saying "baby carrot round 2" that should stop me.
1. Are there men involved 2. Is there food involved 3. Do I have to put pants on 4. Do I have to leave this bed
He said he wanted to make me his Twinkie, "filled with his delicious cream." ABSOLUTELY 100% NO YOU MAY NOT REPEAT ****NOT**** GIVE HIM MY NUMBER EVER EVER EVER. Please confirm receipt and full comprehension of this message.
I distinctly remember holding up a piece of ham pizza and screaming: "WHO THE FUCK EATS HAM PIZZA" in the face of a bunch of scared 13 year old girls faces, while my own sister laughed in mine.
And then he serenaded me with "Pimps don't cry" from 'The Other Guys'. If that's not love I'm not sure what is
Got drunk and passed out flintstone vitamins to everyone at the bar. I'm just so god damn motherly
Yeah I would come and meet you but there's 3 polish girls yelling at a drunk polish guy in the carpark outside. They just dumped a whole pizza over his head and I want to see where this ends...
You then played what you called "a smooth jazz rendition of talk dirty to me" all thrusting your crotch at the bartender. Mom looked horrified, but my dad couldn't stop laughing
I have a hook up buddy in Abiquiu. He lives next to a Chipotle; that's the only reason I see him.
I have never lost more friends than while playing Uno drunk.
It's almost sad. It's like the Harambe of vagina stories really.
That's when I realized I was probably naked in the wrong bed
My neighbour just came round to ask why we posted a spatula through his door at 3am. What do I tell him??
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