my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
maybe i would like her more if 99% of her sentences didn't start with "yesterday when i was reading twilight..."
In America we eat man semen.
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
Eventually the creepy theater major quirks will come out. Probably in bed. Like role playing as the Phantom of the Opera
Just found my old bop it. So many drinking game possibilities
There is an empty space on my boobs where glow paint should be.
If you listen closely you can hear the sound of inbreeding and shame.
I just got woken up by some Christians who wanted to talk about the bible. ways to make a hangover even worse for a thousand trebek
I think that's the first time Navy dress blues and a Ninja Turtles onesie have been involved in the same makeout.
Leaving my wallet at work and not going out to drink tonight...SIGN FROM THE UNIVERSE.
We’ve discussed sex and dinner. Like chicken nuggets while doing it doggie and watching tv.
I got there and she was on her balcony drinking out of a bottle of vodka and smoking a cigar.
i had sex with a girl named after a fruit last night and it was the best thing to happen to me in 2020
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