I think I'm maturing; i was gonna watch porn and then take a nap but i motivated myself to put my laundry in first.
God is so good, I would give him a blow job right now.
The cops found weed in michael jacksons house today...it makes up for the child molesting, I like him more now.
I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
Yes someone did see you carrying a beer bong on the side of coastal highway
On my list on ridiculous morning after bus rides home, still sopping wet and carrying a giant straw hat is definitely top five
I'm handcuffed to the toilet. Don't ask
When you get home there will be live fish in the bathtub. I did not put live fish in the bathtub.
Rush week is fine, only the t-shirts are white and if it rains, the frat boys in their lawn chairs will be treated to 800 freshmen girls in their first wet tshirt contest.
Welcome to college.
I just got high off one hit and the. Spent 20 minutes inspecting the gasket of our refridgerator and researching ways to replace it
All I've consumed in the last 24 hours is cranberry vodka and kosher for passover biscotti
That's what happens when you party with the tribe
I'm just trying to find the strength to put my bra back on and come inside
I just loudly threatened to kill a self checkout machine
I'm in the recliner and i have a bottle of wine wedged in my cleavage, drinking from a straw. Clever and classy or pathetic and sloppy?
The lady in the stall next to me just screamed "why are you so hairy!?" and "why can't you get any!?" to her vagina. WTF
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