Wow so 15 missed calls, a vm AND a text saying come downstairs? ...And where is downstairs? Explain.
I can't watch pbs sober anymore
Reggie can tackle my bush.
Just got the test results back. All clean, Now whose an idiot for going bareback in South America for 3 months straight.
He had a seizure when i was giving him head. for a second i was thinking i was doing a spectacular job
seriously, i am too high for the omelet station to be playing Being For The Benefit Of Mr Kite at 7am
I'm currently braless eating the balls of the penis cake and drinking warm champagne. I'm 3 cats away from crazy at this point
I took 36 pictures of my lava lamp. your weed wins.
That birthday blow job you ordered came in the mail today. I suggest you hurry home.
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
Like we were literally doing coke off his insulin pump
Do you think if i wear this shirt with my bengals boxers this kid will fall out of love with me a little bit because that's what I was going for.
Like you haven't hit rock bottom until you have had to throw your own turd out a window
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
I turn 40 next week. I deserve to celebrate the end of my 30’s with a 21 year old dick
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