Someone shattered a urinal.
TINY HANDS NOT FOR BUTTHOLES
This is going everywhere on the internet.
She has puke on the back of her shirt not quite sure how the hell she did that
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
we used the fire extinguisher you had been cuddling with to decorate the cop car while they were inside arresting everyone
I'm 99.9% sure the people upstairs are using walki-talkies to talk to each other across the room. Too high for this shit
Pulled a muscle in my back masturbating. But still listed as probable.
i tried to propose to him with my nipple ring but i couldnt figure out how to take it out
I manage to fit my wine bottle in my koozie and the rest is history
Was just told that I slept on the counter using a loaf of bread as a pillow. Clearly my life is going well.
I shouldn't have that kind of responsibility when the prospect of being high is readily available. All I could do was hula hoop and smoke cigarettes last night. My remembrance of anything important was out the window.
So my family just woke up on Easter morning and shared a bowl. That's bonding😊
Taking a shit in a Texas 7/11... not accepting phone calls now lol
There are footprints all over my windshield
You said you were making waffles...
He had me sit on his face until I begged him to stop, then held me there 5 minutes longer. I rested my head on his chest, told him I needed time to recover....and slept for 6 hours. By the time I woke, he was already at work. I just sent him a countdown times until his shift is over.
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