You stressed the importance of not breaking the seal too early... and then proceeded to piss your pants when you sneezed.
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call.
Every time I remember you're bi, the world gets a little brighter.
They had an entire room dedicated to passed out people. It was like a dogpile of cross faded toddlers drooling on each other.
Still can't believe they give people like us a drivers license and college degree.
Just woke up bloody and clutching a rear view mirror I'm pretty sure is from my car. For those of you keeping score at home this is why I stopped drinking four loko.
also bought condoms to give away to people who look like they're about to make a bad halloween decision. I'm like a fairy.
Are you really surprised she can't remember? That's like 50 people. I couldn't rattle off all 50 state capitols off the top of my head, you're bound to forget a few here and there
I consider any night I don't make out with someone a bad night. So I've been great.
I just ate cottage cheese and went to the gym at 6 this morning...the things i'll do because I might get naked in front of a new boy
Just went to court for a citation. Guess who my DA was? That girl I ATM'd last weekend. No ticket for me!
Nothing says "i love you" more than flowers and potatoes
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
I just watched two birds fight or fuck. It was crazy. Another bird was watching closer and I know that bird understood what was happening better than me.
this bedazzled flask is my best investment yet
Randomize
