There is now a Twilight themed dildo. What do YOU want for christmas??
The only good thing about ohio is that i can get 2 half gallons of soco for 40 bucks
I watched the entire movie Forgetting Sarah Marshall before I realized it was in Spanish.
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
styled my pubes into a mustache as a surprise. Thought you should know
Every time I someone I meet again from that wedding it turns into the "Oh your the guy who puked in the hallway and passed out in front of the elevator."
When we were finished I asked him how long it had been since he'd cum that hard. He thought really hard for a while before telling me his brain forgot how years worked.
I heard them banging and it sounded like he was trying to stuff a fucking coconut into her
you told me I was being patronizing because I didn't want you to run barefoot across a construction site
I need water and some morals
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
He brought me another shot of rum, ice and my underwear when I woke up.
What a gentleman.
I KNOW, right?!
your mission the party friday: cockblock me at ALL costs. I've cheated on my boyfriend twice. I feel like three times would be crossing some sort of line...
and no, I don't care how how hot he is
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