omg. I had the wrong window open and I accidentaly posted my credit card # on twitter
Whats your twitter name
dude i woke up to 20 missed calls from you, 3 from a blocked number and had 13 voicemails that all said "send me a picture of your tits."
so im guessing thats a no.....
Watching this movie and saying "drink every time you see an animal" was a bad idea...circle of life...holy crap
what do 4 police cars, 1 ambulence, and 2 fire truycks have in common?.... My driveway
She goes outside, smokes 2 cigarettes, and insists on walking up the 7 flights of stairs so that her heart stays in shape. this woman is crazy.
Was the mom I hooked up with decently attractive I feel like her two friends were hotter
you put your hands over the taxi driver's eyes and shouted GUESS THE WAY TO THE CLUB
He said "I can't wait for you to feel me inside of you so I can tell you gently that you're mine" and left me a 4 minute voice mail of him crying after I told him I didn't want to be with him. 30 year olds are off limits.
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
I just shit a hot coal. Pretty sure it's that fireball shot from yesterday.
He offered to buy me free breakfast if I stayed at the hotel overnight with him. I then realized they have a complimentary breakfast.
Yeah, so if you ever try to steal it, just know my tongue's been on it in several occasions. All over it.
Went online to check my credit card... $147.87 at Waffle House. $632.36 at "Red Rose Gentleman's Club" and a $1000 cash advance from an ATM. I may no longer be a fiancé.
I was totes going to lose it to him last night, but I cried and we ate mexican food instead.
Remember the guy with the pretty voice that gave us crabs?
Randomize
