Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
that's why i date skinny girls, they don't realize how small it is.
just snorted lines off a mancala board. I'm destined to win this game.
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
Ideas for halloween. We need simple yet hilarious. Cheap yet effective. Slutty yet acceptable. Go.
I got really high and googled the history of Amish people for like an hour.
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
Because bro, I don't want your dick being touched mid conversation.
HELL YEAH TIME TO KICK THE CHILDREN
Is it fucked up to venmo someone for plan-b?
Thanks a lot dude. I'm grateful to you for your gift of pure piss.
He chose me to be his birthday sex..theres a lot of pressure riding on this bang
I've just realized that today's rations have consisted of turkey bacon and jack Daniels.
My New Year's resolution consists of less weekday hangovers, more sex, and more money.
Everybody at Lexi's party found out I'm both a screamer and a moaner after he ate me out on the pool table downstairs. Just another sunday night in Alaska
Randomize
