Every night before bed, when I used to say prayers, now I just think to myself 'freshman sluts. Soon'
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
Katy Perry is on a Proactiv commercial. That "I kissed a girl" shit is so much less hot now.
He was really drunk and I dared him to jump the swimming pool on his bike. Sadly he couldn't. Hey did you know a testicle can burst?
We did naked snow angels in 14 degree weather, you can't tell me you had more liquor at that party
there are chunks of pepperoni under the sheets. can you be here in 10? breakfast in bed?
We found her naked passed out on the bathroom floor. She didn't even make it to the shower. She was clutching the bathroom rug.
The cougar has a calendar on her wall of when she can give topless handjobs again. I pity her husband.
Also I just learned you, Samantha, and I three-way made out at my Halloween party. News to me.
There is blood on my sheets, we apparently used 8 towels, everything in my shower is knocked down. Wut?
I have nothing to say other than the obvious 'we probably shouldn't have done that' and the less obvious 'i think you bruised my labia major' ...?
That happens a lot to the people around me. It's like I'm radioactive but instead of cancer, you get desensitized to the word cunt
Might call you tomorrow on a drunken hate filled rant, or just a normal hate filled rant, either way be ready.
Fuck it, I work hard. I deserve nice sex toys
So random question: what's a good way to tell your brother that his Skype sex kept you awake last night? I'm not really sure how that conversation begins.
Randomize
