highlight from tonight: i hit on her and her mother.
Feels weird sitting between two guys who've had their heads between my legs in a 24 hour span.
Dude, she literally stopped, mid fuck said "I want soup" got off my dick and make top ramen.
They got their marriage license when they were at the courthouse for her arraignment.
Mom just texted me to see if it was you who was streaking at the Mariner game... Did you accept yet another $1 bet?
Just put your hair in a bun. We're going out to drink, not to impress people.
Yeah, surprised you made it on time this morning. Remarkable, considering 2 hours ago you were pretending to be talking window curtains.
Feels like someone put a cigar out where my butthole used to live
I wish drunk me wasn't so into manscaping. Or at least good at it. Either or really
I still can't get over the fact that he thinks I have my life together... That has to be one of the nicest yet most sadly misled things anyone has ever said about me
She stopped me mid sex to ask if she could finish my ramen, I've found the one.
For the record you're an amazing lay and you have great taste in breakfast sandwiches
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
But the problem is you celebrate with your heart but I celebrate with my liver
just woke up with nickles taped to my body. theres like a dollar worth.
Randomize
